There is this word that came up again recently that I had not thought about in years; the word alternate. To me it means not being good enough for the original. I did not think it was a big deal, until I felt a bit of shame and pain with it. I am finding it is best to just tell the Lord how I am feeling and ask for the truth. The answer came in the sweetest, most healing way.
We were watching an episode of The Chosen and the story of Jesus attending a wedding came on. As the account goes, they run out of wine and Mary reports this to Jesus. She also instructs the servers to do whatever He says. He has them fill six jars with water, that were actually used for ceremonial washing, as was a Jewish custom. He then turns the water into wine. The master of the banquet actually proclaimed this the better wine. The hosts were saved from shame by this first miracle of Jesus.
When I saw that scene, an idea occurred to me. Being an alternate was actually an act of grace. What I mean is, I needed more time for Jesus to change me. So much of my heart was not purified, too much selfishness remained. My kingdom was priority and His was not. Through much refining and pressing, He preformed a miracle on my hard heart. Amazing!